Russia

     We've all got them; those terrible sex stories, like the ones you read about in Cosmo.  The majority of time they're pretty funny and only moderately embarrassing.  Of course every once in a while you stumble across that one story where you wonder if that person has had drastic plastic surgery or gone into a witness protection program since living through such tragedy.  I've had one (...or seven) of those nights, and no, I haven't changed my name or gone through intense psychiatric counselling; I live my life as though it never happened.  However, more often than I'd truly like, I'm forced to revisit one of my most horrendous memories.
     Rewind to December 2010.  I'm in my final year of college, living the dream, meeting new people, having the time of my life.  I had been invited to the "Tequila Christmas Party," now an annual tradition amongst my friends.  I don't think I could have ever fathomed how my night would end up.  I was assuming it would be the same as any other, I assumed quite incorrectly.  Like most every other person at the party, I had consumed an excessive amount of alcohol that evening.  Impaired judgement was at an all time high.  My friend introduced me to her boyfriend's friend and that, ladies and gents, is where things begin to slide down hill.  If you asked me his name that night, I wouldn't have been able to tell you.  To be completely honest, if you asked me what his name was the next morning, I still wouldn't have been able to tell you.  It was comparable to some Carrie Underwood lyrics...  All that I truly knew about him at the time, was that he was from Russia.
     I'd like to give you all of the details of the occurrences that evening, but I have my doubts it's truly appropriate for a public website.  Not only is it not PG-13, I don't necessarily recall all of the happenings of that fateful night.  Long story short, we stumble back to my house, head to the boudoir and begin a deep passionate conversation.  (Yeah right!)  One thing leads to another, it's over before it begins (it's unfortunate what alcohol can do to a man) and then I end up falling asleep in the early hours of the morning.   I don't know how long I was asleep, or what time I was awoken, but I couldn't even make up what happened next.
     I awoke from a dead, drunken sleep, unsure of what was happening, or even where I was to be completely honest.  It was dark, I was only partially concious and my eyes were dry, irritated & blurry courtesy of my contacts, now glued to my eye balls, from falling asleep with them still in.  Russia was no longer beside me.  I quickly came to, when I realized he was standing only 2 feet from my bed, boxer shorts around his ankles, mumbling to himself in a drunken tongue, & peeing in my laundry basket.  Need I mention my laundry basket was full.  Full of clean laundry.  Clean laundry I had only just washed that day, yet failed to put away.  Life lesson #4876: Always put away your laundry as soon as you've finished washing it.
     Needless to say, Russia likely didn't even know what hit him.  I tackled him harder than a linebacker in a football game.  We both hit the floor with a massive thunk.  My friend who had been sleeping on the couch, in the living room beneath my bedroom, bolted up the stairs to see what had happened.  I demanded she promptly remove him from my house, to which she only half-heartedly complied with.  She helped him down the stairs and let him fall asleep on the couch.  The next morning, my best friend took the walk of shame with Russia, since he had no idea where he was.  I don't think I was ever happier to see someone leave.
     The end.  HA!  Let's face it.  Stories like that live on forever.  Every time there's another party with that circle of friends it's always brought up again.  "You're THAT girl."  Isn't that just fantastic; apparently it'll never get old.  A girl can dream though!
     This past Friday was the two year anniversary of the original "Tequila Christmas Party."  Thankfully, Russia was not in attendance.  I don't think I'm mentally prepared to face that nightmare yet.  I did have the pleasure of meeting a good friend of Russia's.  He mentioned a small detail that I was very unaware of until that moment; I had taken Russia's v-card that night...
   
Story of my life.  It just keeps getting better & better.

   

   

Normal.

     I've never really been capable of living a "normal" life.  Let's face it, I'm not a "normal" person.  I use the word normal quite loosely however.  What is "normal?"  According to the Miriam Webster Dictionary normal is defined as such;

"a : according with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule, or principle

b : conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern"

     It could be because I'm currently extremely tired, or perhaps I really don't understand English in general, but I'm not entirely able to grasp the concept of "normal" at this exact second.  It doesn't really matter though, basically what I've been trying to make quite apparent, is that I, Amy Barber, am completely one-of-a-kind.  

     I think I've always known this, let's face it, I've lead quite an interesting life so far.  Although, I've never really found it to be all that interesting, just unfortunate.  Until recently, I truly thought my existence on this earth was nothing more than a series of unfortunate events pieced together for the sole purpose of amusing a higher power or what not.  My current room mates have informed me that my life would make a hilarious novel, which brought me to this brilliant idea.  A blog.  I mean, seriously, who reads books any more? I'm extremely kidding by the way, people love reading, as long as it involves some sort of kinky sex or a sappy vampire romance.  My life is far from a sappy romance or a kinky sex scene.  It does however, consist of a series of hilarious, embarrassing, depressing, film worthy, "only Amy" moments.  And that, ladies and gentlemen, is where we begin.  

     Through-out this blogging journey, I plan on revisiting old memories as well as keeping you current on what sorts of mischief I manage to get myself into on a daily basis.  I hope that you all manage to find a laugh or two out of what's to come. 

     Stay tuned.

xo, Amy